Nero’s Rise To Power, As told by his mother, who he tried to kill multiple times
DEAR DIARY,
6 kids, an exile, and several loveless marriages later, another one of my children is finally on the throne.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Caligula and everything, but he wasn’t the greatest ruler. Let’s not even get started on the last guy in charge. (I know he was my husband, but that doesn’t mean I loved the guy.)
But I really think Nero is going to turn things around. I’m so proud of him! Look at my pride and joy, ruling a giant empire that keeps growing every day. He doesn’t seem too happy, though. Every time I try and talk to him about ruling the country, he just scowls and says he has to write another play. I keep trying to tell him his plays are terrible, but he just refuses to listen.
He’s just so ungrateful. I literally poisoned- I mean, lovingly bereaved, the last emperor, and this is how he repays me? I swear, I brought him into this world, I can take him out just as quickly.
Not like I would, though. I still love him. Obviously.
DEAR DIARY,
Nero and I fought again. Apparently I’m “controlling” and “micromanaging him” even though HE’S the emperor. Sorry I just want what’s best for the country. We’re never going to get anywhere if he just keeps writing plays and forgetting that we have an economy to manage.
I love him, but I’m worried he’s not exactly what this empire needs. And if he’s not listening to me, I’m can’t help but wonder how he’s going to make decisions. I’m sure this will blow over, though. We’re family.
DEAR DIARY,
Nero’s sending me on a wellness retreat to help my stress. I asked if he wanted to come with me, so we can talk our our issues and destress together, but apparently the “empire needs him.” I can’t really argue with that. Maybe some time apart will be good for us. I’m going to be so well-rested when I get back, Nero’s going to have to love me again.
DEAR DIARY,
This is the worst wellness retreat I’ve ever been on. There’s not even a bathhouse here. I asked one of the bodyguards about this, but he said Nero stripped me of all my power and he didn’t answer to me anymore. The nerve! This bastard (figuratively, of course, obviously this guy is the legitimate heir to the throne) exiled me!
I should’ve known that my son was getting sick of me, considering the fact that I wasn’t able to opt out of the retreat and they didn’t give me a return date. But he can’t get rid of me that easily.
DEAR DIARY,
I’ve been writing letters to Nero, but he’s not answering. Maybe they got lost in the mail? I’ve transcribed a few below.
Nero,
I am very sorry for our previous miscommunication. I have learned a lot from this wellness retreat, and believe I am in good shape to return to the empire. Please respond with haste.
Love, Mom
Nero,
I’m sorry you’re upset. But come on, I’m your mother. You can’t exile me forever. (Yeah, I caught on that it was an exile. Nice try.) Write me back.
Love, Mom
Nero,
You can’t keep giving me the silent treatment. Do you know how many people i poisoned to get you this gig? I married my fucking uncle to get us here, don’t you dare say I’ve done nothing for you.
Love, your mother, who gave birth to you and is the reason you exist
Nero,
Why won’t you write me back??? I promise I’ll watch your plays. They’re not that bad, really! For Jupiter’s sake, please write me back.
Love, your mother, who loves and misses you very much
… maybe that last one was a little desperate.
DEAR DIARY,
Nero hasn’t directly replied to my letters, but he did send me some snacks. I knew mentioning the plays would get me back on his good side. I felt kind of funny after having some of the grapes he packed, though. Good thing I always have poison antidote before I eat anything! Not that my own son would ever poison me, but on the off chance some ends up in your snack assortment, it’s always good to be prepared.
DEAR DIARY,
Nero’s sent me two more of those snack baskets! He must really miss me. He’s really got to stop with the grapes, though. It must be a bad year for them: they taste horrible.
DEAR DIARY,
I threw some more of the letters I was writing for Nero on my bed and the ceiling collapsed on my bed! How could putting weight on the bed cause the entire ceiling to collapse?
I have informed the house staff of this. This castle is falling apart at the seams. Why would anyone stay here?
DEAR DIARY,
OMG, Nero FINALLY invited me back. He even sent us a boat to take back to Rome! I’m so excited to see him. I’ve had so many ideas for the empire while I’ve been gone, I’m sure he can’t wait to hear them. I’m getting the ship ready as I write this. It’s going to be a long journey, but I know it will be worth it.
DEAR DIARY,
Our ship got hit by another ship on the way to Nero’s! The other ship must have been really bad at sailing, since it came straight for us and destroyed our ship. Luckily, I was able to swim to shore and walk the rest of the way to the palace. Nero doesn’t look happy to see me, though, and he’s been completely ignoring me all evening. That’s no way to treat a guest. He invited me here!
DEAR DIARY,
Since our ship got destroyed, Nero gave me one of his for the journey home. However, the ship collapsed! Two broken ships in one trip? What terrible luck!
Seriously, if Nero spent half as much resources on our naval equipment as he did on his own personal theater department, we wouldn’t have had this issue. But I got picked up by another boat, and I’m home safe and sound. Nero will be so pleased to hear that.
DEAR DIARY,
Some of Nero’s friends stopped by my castle. They seem pretty mad… uh oh…